When my wife and I got married over 22 years ago, she asked me if I had any Christmas traditions. She had already shared hers with me, but I had never really wanted to share most of my family stories at first, because, well, there’s always a dark side. This one is no exception, but as I always add as a disclaimer, I promise that the story comes out all right in the end! And that leads me to one of my favorite McClain family Christmas traditions:
For most of the five years that my parents were divorced and before I went to live with my dad, we lived at least two and a half hours apart, if not four hours away from him. This led to fewer visitations than my dad was allowed. He was allowed to have us for one weekend a month, two weeks in the summer, and one week at Christmas. Because of poor choices on his part, he could rarely afford to make the 150-mile drive. Neither would my mother meet him halfway. So, my Grandma and Grandpa McClain stepped in one time in 1973, and drove all the way down to pick us up.
On the way back north to Mesick, we were driving through Big Rapids, Michigan, back when US 131 was fairly new and went straight through the heart of that town. And Grandma and Grandpa had been on the road for almost four hours by that point. So, we stopped at McDonald’s to eat. We went inside, and Grandpa McClain asked me a question I’d never been asked before: “What do you want?”
I stood there, dumbfounded. I honestly didn’t know what to say. Whenever we went somewhere with my mom and her husband, and had no choice but to eat on the road, I was given a hamburger Happy Meal, and my brother and half-sister, who were six and seven years younger than I was, would split their own Happy Meal. That’s not enough to eat for a nine-year-old, you say? I would have agreed with you. So, I stammered, “Um, I always get a Happy Meal.” My grandpa looked me dead in the eye and said, “I didn’t ask you what you always get. I asked you what you want.”
This was the most pressure I had faced up until that point in my life. I knew exactly what I wanted: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun! Some of you are now singing it to yourselves. Others have no clue what I’m talking about. The Big Mac had recently experienced a very popular ad campaign simply laying out its ingredients in a catchy tune. I had wanted to try one for over a year but knew there was no chance. And now there was.
I said, “Could I try a Big Mac, please?” My grandpa ordered it immediately.
“What size fries do you want?” Oh, my gosh. I thought I was going to die.
“L-large?” He ordered it.
“What do you want to drink?”
“I’ve always wanted to try a vanilla shake like my mom orders.” And I got one. And it was glorious.
My brother got a full Happy Meal to himself (he was only three) and we sat down to enjoy this fanciful feast of fast food. I was in heaven. I ate everything in front of me and made slurping sounds as the last of the vanilla shake was vacuumed from the bottom of my cup. Then, the other shoe fell.
“Do you want anything more?” Wow, I thought, here’s where I go for broke.
“I’ve heard about this new burger, the Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Could I try that?” I never heard my grandpa roar as loudly as that before that day, and I never did again. I thought he was going to double over laughing. He brought me back a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and I ate all of that too.
“Ma, this kid has a hollow leg just like his father did.” Grandma readily agreed with him, smiled, and winked at me. What a great trip that was!
I assume that Grandma and Grandpa later told my dad that story, because for every Christmas after that, my brother and I received a book of TEN 50-cent McDonald’s gift certificates in our stockings so that we could order whatever we wanted when we went to McDonald’s. Do you have any idea how much food $5.00 could buy in 1974-75?
By now, if you read my stories with any regularity, you know what to expect. Here it comes.
We had thought we were going to eat like kings, but my mother simply took the gift certificates away from us and whenever we stopped at McDonald’s, she used them to buy us our usual. A hamburger Happy Meal for me, and my brother and sister would split one. Even when I went on a school field trip where we were required to bring money for McDonad’s, I was only given enough gift certificates to buy a Happy Meal; two gift certificates, totalling $1.00. I explained one time why my dad had given them to us, but all that earned me was a good hard slap in the face.
It didn’t matter, though. Literally, it was the thought that counted. I knew there was someone who loved me. Those little gestures, those small glimmers of hope, sustained me until the day I was able to leave that household in January 1977. And that’s why to this day, Magi puts a McDonald’s gift card in my stocking; They don’t make gift certificates anymore, but even though my dad and grandparents are all gone, I still know there’s someone who loves me.
My annual McDonald’s gift card, which was in my stocking this morning!
When Star Trek: The Next Generation came out, the merchandise available was unmatched. There were technical manuals, action figures, ship guides, uniform guides, soundtrack CDs, you name it. The comic books weren’t low-budget books produced by Gold Key, but by DC Comics instead. My favorite item, though, had to be the cutaway poster of the Enterprise-D.
Enterprise-D Cutaway Poster
If you wanted to run a Star Trek: The Next Generation campaign (and I did), this was the very best tool. Unlike the original series, where the best care really wasn’t taken to keep track of where everything was, the producers of TNG knew how rabid Star Trek fans were in their pursuit of trivia and they kept track of everything. I had collected the action figures, toy weapons, and ships obsessively, and when it came time to run another RPG campaign, I was well-prepared. With the seventh season of the series coming to a close in 1994 and the release of Star Trek: Generations, I proposed a new game to my friends.
The premise of the game was simple. The crew of the Galaxy-class starship, Challenger, would voyage to the Delta Quadrant, and seek information on The Borg, my favorite Star Trek villain. They would be equipped with every device ever introduced in the series, including the the soliton wave drive (“New Ground”), and the experimental phase-cloak (“The Pegasus”). Because Federation use of cloaking technology was forbidden by the treaty of Algeron, there would be a Romulan representative onboard to protect their interests. Challenger was a regular United Nations in space, with ambassadors from every world in the quadrant. This provided intrigue and cloak-and-dagger activity aboard ship, aside from the encounters they had along the way. We didn’t use a formal game system, but used pure storytelling instead. I used every prop I had bought and they were all on the table with one rule. If the toy made a sound, the person holding it had to improvise why the weapon or device was activated in the game continuity. That led to some fun! To create unique characters, we took apart Playmates action figures and switched out heads to create different combinations that could represent the characters.
When it came time to play the game, there was a teaser sequence to set things up, and then I played the theme song on a portable CD boombox. I used the Star Trek: The Next Generation alternate main title theme from the Next Generation score soundtrack. None of the players had ever heard it before, so it was a viable Star Trek theme for an original story! I would even hold up “title cards” with the players’ names and the name of the character they were playing, printed in the same font used in TNG.
Then I would change out CDs to use the Generations soundtrack, because it included sound effects for the Enterprise-D, including door chimes, transporters, warp drive, ambient bridge sounds, and more. I had a remote control for the CD player, so I could just enter the track number that I wanted to play on command.
I tried to pace the overall story in acts, like a television show, even pausing for commercial breaks so people could grab snacks or run to the restroom. We were playing in the upstairs game room of The Griffon Bookstore in South Bend, Indiana. I would hang the cutaway poster, which I transported rolled up in a tube, on the wall before we started game play.
I think the game was fairly successful. I know many people remember it fondly. It was just really hard back then to get people to show up at a game away from home. We were in our 20s and 30s (I was 30) and had a lot of things to do.
This was one of the happiest memories I had of the 90s and I’m glad I fell down this memory hole today.
It was such an alien experience having a family who enjoyed being together. We sat around the dinner table many a winter night after the girls cooked dinner, telling stories and jokes, and sometimes even playing board games. One of the ironies of the times that I lived with my mother, stepfather, brother, and sister was that I was given board games as gifts pretty much every Christmas, but as a family of five, we very seldom played any of them. My mother and stepfather didn’t want to play The Six Million Dollar Man board game, for example, and my brother and sister were too young to understand how to play. They were six and seven years younger than I was, respectively. When I was eleven, they were five and four. So the game sat stacked on the top shelf of my closet, unplayed, with all the other board games I had received. But now, my step-sisters were five years and four years older than I was, and they humored me by playing games at the table, no matter how bad the games were. And some of them were terrible.
Six Million Dollar Man board game. It is terrible.
It was fascinating for me to learn from them. I had just turned 12 and they were already in high school. Their vocabularies were much more, um, colorful than mine. I learned lots of new words while sitting at the table. It felt wonderful to be included, joyous to be part of a family who seemed to care about each other; until one night, that all changed. We were playing Po-Ke-No, a game I had received when I was in third grade. It was a combination of poker and bingo. I thought it was a lot of fun, and we were having our usual banter at the table, when Barb, the younger of the two step-sisters mentioned that I had a half-sister.
I was puzzled. “What do you mean, ‘half-sister’? Wendy is my sister,” I said. “She was born before my mom and dad were divorced.” Barb insisted that Wendy wasn’t my dad’s child, but rather belonged to my stepfather. Suddenly, my whole sense of family was turned on its ear. I started to get angry. “No, she’s not! Stop lying!” I got up from the table and slammed my hand down on it. There was no way my sister belonged to the man who beat me every day. My dad heard the commotion and came in to ask what was wrong. I was in tears. “Barb says that Wendy is only my half-sister!”
My dad looked like he had seen a ghost. He ushered me into the living room space, just ten feet away from the table, but I caught the look he shot back at Barb, and it wasn’t a good one. He sat me down in front of the fireplace and sat across from me on a footstool. He explained that it was true, that Wendy was Steve’s child. I questioned how that could be, and he had to do a little explaining because at that time, I didn’t know where babies came from, at all. When he explained that mom and Steve had been together before he and my mom were divorced, and it was why we went to live with Steve afterward, it suddenly made sense why Wendy never came with Jeff and me to visit him. Mom had always said it was because she was too young, but Jeff was only a year older than she was, so that never made sense. I asked him if I could ask more questions about it, and he said yes.
I asked my dad why, then, had he paid child support for her for so many years. In the times that I saw my dad in the previous five years, complaining about child support was one of his common themes of conversation. Nothing makes you feel valued like hearing that your dad resents paying $50 a month for each of his children. He told me that since she was born before the divorce was final, she was listed as his child on her birth certificate. They had done a paternity test, but my dad and Steve had the same blood type, so there was no way to determine that she wasn’t actually my dad’s child, and that my mom wanted to “stick it to him,” so she claimed that Wendy was my dad’s child in the divorce proceedings.
Suddenly, pieces of this puzzle were falling into place. I remembered my grandpa calling my mother “Jezebel” when I was six, and my grandmother shushing him in terror after noticing that I was in the room at the time. But I also remembered that we would go to visit Steve and his wife and kids, and that while mom and Steve slept in one room, my dad and Steve’s wife slept in another. Again, I didn’t know where babies came from when that whole Jerry Springer show was happening, but now I knew that Mom wasn’t the only one cheating.
Dad told me that later on, they had made a deal with him that Steve would adopt Wendy so that my dad could stop paying child support for her, but only if they got to take Jeff as a deduction on their taxes. My dad agreed to it, but he was not happy about it, being extorted into doing what was right in the first place. I didn’t even know that Wendy’s last name had changed because she hadn’t started school yet. It never appeared on any documents I ever saw. After about an hour of this, I was still upset, but calm enough to apologize to Barb for calling her a liar and slamming the table. She said she was sorry for telling me, but she also said she didn’t know that it was a secret. I said that I understood, but suddenly, the idea of the close-knit family was tainted. I didn’t believe her.
When I was nine years old, I joined the Cub Scouts, and one of the things the Cub Scouts was known for back at that time was teaching young boys to be responsible with pocket knives. I have carried a pocket knife ever since. I got my first one when I was nine and I carried it through elementary school, junior high, and high school. In high school, I even carried a hunting knife in a sheath on my belt. Can you even imagine? And yes, it was allowed, as long as the blade didn’t exceed three inches.
When I first became a full-time teacher, I lived in Michigan City, Indiana. There was an knife/cutlery store at the outlet mall in Michigan City. When I visited as a 20-something adult, I decided it was time to upgrade my pocket knife. And I found The Mechanic. This Swiss Army knife had everything I needed. It had the usual blades and bottle and can openers, but it also had a Phillips head screwdriver and a pair of pliers. Now, most of you are probably thinking that no one really needs a $30 pocket knife. You’d be wrong.
The Mechanic, by Victorinox
I used the Mechanic for over 25 years. As a teacher, there were hundreds of times that I used the pliers alone to pull a locker open when a student had jammed the door shut over their coat. I used the Phillips head screwdriver all the time when screws came loose. Go ahead, you’re thinking it. I always had a screw loose. I sharpened innumerable pencils when the classroom pencil sharpener failed in its only job, evoking gasps from students almost every time: “Mr. McClain, you have a KNIFE?” I always laughed and said, “You do know I have to pass a background check every five years to work here, right?”
I used the knife to open cans of Trader Joe’s version of Spaghettios when I was sitting at conventions, unwilling to pay $12 for a sandwich that should have cost four. When my banner stand lost an endcap, I had the tool to put it back on. If that knife ended up costing me a penny per use, I’d be shocked.
I took this knife everywhere I went, even on planes, pre-9/11. I would never have thought of going anywhere without it. But there are some places where you just can’t take it with you besides airports now. No knives are allowed in courtrooms, for example. The county/city building in Mishawaka has a metal detector. And unfortunately, one year, I find out the hard way that you could no longer take pocket knives into Ford Field, where the Detroit Lions play. A few years ago, we were making our annual sojourn to see the Lions play, and we had parked two miles away and walked. And when we got to the gates, there were metal detectors and a strict policy posted. I did not have the endurance or time to walk another four miles to take my knife to the car and return, so I did the unthinkable; I threw my knife away.
I thought I could replace it easily. It had to be a popular model with all the use I’d gotten out of it over the years, right? Oh, I was so wrong. The Mechanic had been discontinued in 2017. There were no more to be found. Every time I found a knife shop to visit, I always inquired, hoping someone would still have one in stock, but no one did. I thought to just look online, and sure, I could get another one–for a hundred dollars!
Finally, I caught a break this month and found one on Ebay. I only paid $50 for it, including shipping. If that seems exorbitant, it’s really not. My $30 knife in 1992 would cost $63.22 now, with inflation. I actually got the replacement for less than I paid for the original. Is it a brand-new knife? No, but it opens cleanly and the blades are sharp. And even though it’s not the original one that I bought in the 1990s, I hope it’s something my daughter will carry when I’m gone and remember me. Because she never knew a time when I didn’t have one. And the way she is with machines, she’ll probably get more use out of it than even I did.
As February rolled in, I settled into a routine. Going to school, visiting my grandparents, going to church, buying comic books. It was comforting to be safe and have that regularity, but I didn’t know that feeling was about to be threatened.
My teacher, Mr. Hunter, was big on reading, so he made sure we all got library cards for Tustin’s small public library. He literally walked us across the street to get our cards and our first books. The first book I checked out was The Making of Star Trek, by Stephen Whitfield. I read the book from cover to cover the first day I had it. I was a huge Star Trek fan from the time I was a little boy, and it was still in syndication. I watched it after school on the black-and-white TV in the living room.
The book was so interesting and I learned so much from it that I read it again over the weekend. It described in great detail what everyone involved with a television production does, from writers to directors to producers, even best boys and gaffers. It had preliminary designs for the Enterprise, detailed views of the props, biographies of the actors, everything to keep a 12-year-old fan’s attention, especially in the age before the Internet. I didn’t take the book to school on Monday, and that turned out to be a costly mistake. My dog, Ladybug, apparently didn’t enjoy the book taking attention away from her, so she chewed off about 1/4 of the cover while I was away.
I had taken responsibility for Ladybug, remember, so I knew I was on the hook for the price of the book, $1.50! I was in a panic. I had to return the book at the end of the week, but I didn’t have $1.50 to pay for it. What was I going to do? I’d already bought a comic book on Sunday (Justice League of America #142) with my church money, so I was dead broke. I didn’t want to tell my dad or my stepmother what had happened, so I was determined to figure things out on my own. I started by trying to sell some of my old toys that I still had and didn’t need anymore to try to raise $1.50, but I couldn’t find anyone who wanted my old stuff.
Justice League of America #142
In Justice League of America #142, the Atom was having a crisis of confidence. The Mighty Mite didn’t think he fit in with a powerful lineup that included Superman, Wonder Woman, and he was ready to retire. He, Aquaman, and the stretchy Elongated Man were forced to fight to protect an alien called Willow, and even then, the Atom felt overwhelmed by the situation. I could relate.
I started looking for kids who weren’t in my class to buy my toys. I was getting desperate. I finally thought I’d found someone, a neighbor kid from down the road that I’d just met. I let him take the toys home before he brought me the money, and I was so relieved. But he returned them the next day because his dad had said no to the deal. I was crestfallen. I was spending nights lying awake, wondering what I was going to do. On the following Monday, I learned something about borrowing books from the library; you could renew a book if you weren’t done with it! I renewed the book for another week, while saving my church money in hopes of eventually paying for the book.
This temporary solution helped me sleep a little, but I was still nervous. After I ran out of renewals, I started paying the fines on a weekly basis. I got my next fifty cents of church money, but I had to pay 10 cents for the late fine for the library, so I was back down to 90 cents. The following week, I got another fifty cents, and paid another 10 cents. I had $1.30 saved up, so I knew it would only be one more week before I could pay for the book. My dad noticed that I wasn’t buying any “funny books,” as he called them. I just looked down at my shoes and said that there weren’t any that I wanted that week. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what I’d done, and I didn’t want to be a burden to him or Peggy. I was still afraid of being sent back to live with my mom. I knew how my dad favored the women in his life.
After another week of fitful sleep, I finally had $1.80 saved up and I took my money to the library along with the damaged book to pay my debt to society. When I shamefully explained the situation, I thought the librarian was going to fall over laughing. She not only forgave and returned my fine money, but she gave me the book as well. They said that I was the first person to check that book out in over five years, and it was headed for the discard pile anyway. She thanked me for being such an honest young man, and sent me on my way. And I was rich! I had two whole dollars, and a book that I would read many, many more times over the years.
The Atom also found his strength, as Willow chooses him to defeat a powerful new enemy, the Construct. The Atom also realizes that he has a place in the Justice League. And I had my place at home. I wasn’t a burden after all.
